unlocking creativity
how I went from software engineer to stylist
I giggle when people ask how I went from a software engineer to a stylist for founders (though I’m still both!). The honest answer dates back to me as a kid; I loved computers and also fashion, skincare, spa days, so in hindsight this makes perfect sense. But there was a period of many years in my 20s where I was out of touch with my interests in fashion and the like, so to someone who met me as an adult, I see how styling could seem like it came out of left field.
Recovering our creative voices after they’ve been suppressed is a complex process that much has been written about (and it’s a process I’m still going through!) but I can share a few things that helped me on my journey. It’s worth noting that when I started this journey, I had both the trappings and the advantages of someone who had consistently been in high achieving environments (Stanford grad, early Stripe engineer, YC founder / CTO, I dunnit all). I knew how to get stuff done, but also lived by unwritten rules which got in my own way.
Life on earth would be better if more humans unlocked our creativity. As I write this, some Thai kids I’ve befriended have stolen my journal to draw a picture for me. There’s music playing — a Coldplay song covered by Natalie Renoir and then remixed by Trippynova, creative expression at every step. I’m on the beach in Koh Phangan, writing on Notion on a Mac; this moment is brought to me by architects, interior designers, furniture designers, hardware & software engineers, entrepreneurs and of course, nature, all of whom have expressed their creativity to make this experience come alive for me. It’s amazing how many more moments like this we can collectively create if we unlock ourselves.
So, here are some ways I’ve gone about unlocking my own creativity. If it helps you share something of yours with the world, however small, please share in the comments. I’d love to hear it :)
I started small
4 years ago I got really sick and had to go on steroids which really messed up my sleep. I had just moved to New York, it was January 2020, I had few friends in my new city at that point. Things were tough lol but I didn’t know how much tougher they were going to get before they got better.
Somewhere around 3 am in my lonely, sleepless haze, I was inspired to start an Instagram account called thrilledvegan. At that point I had been vegan for a few years and faced a lot of snark from my Pakistani network who thought I had lost my mind and joined a cult when I went vegan (those same people are plant-based themselves now, but that’s a story for another time). I realized I had a lot of photos in my phone of vegan food, and people often sarcastically asked me what I ate if I didn’t eat [whatever non-vegan thing they love]. I figured I could show how much I love my lifestyle, and all the cool things I get to eat, and turn it into a positive, productive conversation.
This was not a big step, but putting myself out there like that was scary at the time. Having faced a lot of pushback for going vegan, I was afraid of people laughing in my face, but I took that small step anyway.
Years later when I decided to explore styling, my first client was.. me. I started designing my own outfits and creating content around them, and that way I had something to show potential clients once The Glow Up Squad was born.
Because I started thrilledvegan, I became comfortable creating content, filming myself, and years later I expanded to create content around style, which then helped me become a stylist and launch The Glow Up Squad. I see now that starting thrilledvegan in a steroid-induced haze (and continuing to keep it alive) opened the door for my broader creative voice to flow.
My point is: start small. We often think of creativity as these big endeavors (books published, blogs with millions of followers, giant software corporations), but we forget that all of those endeavors started as a result of trial and error, with just one word, one post, one line of code at a time.
I paid attention to judgment
The first time I went to Bali (I was 24), a stranger assumed I was a blogger and I was offended. In my mind at the time, I had a serious career as a software engineer at an up and coming fintech giant, and blogging was basic. I wanted to be taken seriously.
Reader: I love blogging lol. Years later I did end up starting a vegan blog, which then expanded into a style and travel blog. I really enjoy sharing random tidbits of nice things I find in the world. I even love blogging about software engineering.
I believe that what we judge someone else for, we have denied in ourselves. A truly happy, integrated, content person does not feel the need. In that way, judgment is a doorway to our desires: if you find yourself judging someone now, ask yourself if there is something about them that inspires you. You may be surprised.
Since understanding ^, I didn’t mind the haters
One of the biggest blockers to creativity is our innate fear of what others might say. We’re social animals and this fear is natural, but it doesn’t have to stop us.
I loved how Elizabeth Gilbert described her process in Big Magic; she says that fear and creativity go hand in hand. Fear will always come along for the ride (we have no choice in the matter), but the trick is not to let it drive. It’s to see the fear, acknowledge it, and do the thing creativity wants to do regardless.
Even though I have a small audience, I’ve already faced judgment and criticism from people I used to consider friends. It hurt, but it is totally ok.
It’s ok for three reasons. One is that I’ve also made great new friends as a result of putting myself out there creatively. Clients for The Glow Up Squad who are now close friends, I’ve met fellow vegan Pakistanis (I didn’t know there were others!) and other travel bloggers. I’m really glad I met these people.
The second is, as I wrote above, I believe people judge when they are stuck on their own journey. Some people who snarked at me being vegan are now plant-based themselves. Why would I let where someone else is in their journey stop me from moving forward in mine?
Third, and most important, is the joy I get from creating. Creative union — through code, writing, paintings, content — is the closest I’ve felt to God / the universe / whatever resonates. A little judgment from some shadows in the dark is no reason to stop.
I asked myself (not rhetorically) what I would do with a lot of money
A common trap high achievers fall into is the belief that there is some magic number out there such that, once we have this number of monies, we will have lasting happiness and never a bad day in our life. I’ll admit that I fell for this trap (it’s no secret, I started a crypto company lol).
But the thing we crave is usually a step after the money. It might look like: relevance, attention, freedom, expensive personal interests.
In my case, when I visualized what I would do with money, I was surprised to find I wanted a nice wardrobe and an artistically decorated house. Hidden behind that was disappointment that I had completely neglected self-care during my years in tech. As a kid I loved aesthetic things like interior design and fashion, but as an adult I didn’t make time for them. It turns out what I lacked was not money, but the self-permission to invest in myself, my home, my appearance, do things that brought me joy even if the broader tech narrative doesn’t value these things the same way.
A disclaimer: I am not suggesting that money doesn’t matter. I’m simply suggesting that money is a means to an end, and it’s a fun exercise to become aware of what that end means to you so you can move in that direction.
I reconnected with my inner child
Maye Musk (yes Elon’s mom, hehe) wrote in her memoir that all her kids had found what they loved, and eventually went on to do for their careers, by the age of 12. This resonated with me. Many (most?) of us leave the things we love as kids in favor of (what we’re told are) more practical pursuits; we lose our way and find ourselves having existential crises. But the thing we loved as a kid is still there, waiting for us to claw our way back to it.
I’m making this step sound a lot simpler than it was; in truth, I traveled the world working with various coaches, therapists, reiki healers, eft tappers and “subconscious reprogrammers” (don’t get me started) to unlearn the many beliefs I’d picked up that got between me and my most authentic self. Some healers were great, some not so much, but I was always willing to try. The question “who was I before the world told me who to be?” was on my mind for the better part of a year. I pictured my childhood bedroom, the friends I loved, the things that excited me. Many of those things were still in my life, but some (like fashion) I had vehemently rejected.
Today, a year into this journey, it is remarkable to me how many of the things I love can be traced directly back to me at 12. I loved computers with big keyboards, fashion, sleepovers with my girlfriends, tennis, the ocean, even specifically Thailand. 12 year old Laila would be pleased to learn I’m writing this from the beach on Koh Phangan :)
There’s more but this is a good stopping point for now :) I’ll leave you with these childhood photos I found during my quest to reconnect with my inner child. What does your inner child love? :)
Again if this inspires you to share something of yours with the world, however small, I’d love to hear it :)